Now before you just up and say Geeks have trouble with women, that's a given, I just have to say - you're right.
My problem is interesting. Over the course of years, from the time I was a teen on, I seem to have attracted women with self confidence issues. Originally I was attracted to them, I had a need to be needed. I realized this was a flaw in myself so I began seeking out women who did NOT have self confidence issues. I only managed to find women who put on a bold face and a public show, but in truth were overcompensating for a self confidence issue in public and just fell apart behind the scenes.
Let me tell you about my most recent girl, Virginia. I met Virginia like all geeks with no social lives meet other people - over the computer. I actually used OK-Stupid! to find her. The picture she had on-line was mostly a head shot and she looked angry. The shot only had the upper part of the bust and shoulders, and based on the appearance of the photo she looked like she was trying to pull a fat girl head shot. This differs from a fat-girl angle-shot in that she didn't try to use a funky angle to hide how fat her cheeks were - meaning it was probably all ass.
But I saw something in this picture most people would have missed. See, I'm different from most geeks - I have a huge empathic ability - think Star Trek and Deanna Troy. Only as a geek instead of using this to read people I largely ignore it and work on logic. I saw in this angry face someone who was laughing, so I sent her a message.
She replied that she had fallen head over heals with my profile and way just trying to work up some courage and words to message me. It wasn't long until we were talking on the phone. I absolutely fell head over heals for her on the phone. We could talk about anything, at length, she could certainly hold a conversation. We decided to meet at a Hibachi within a week of our first phone conversation.
She was stunningly beautiful. The cutting off her picture at the upper part of the bust? She did that because she has an incredible rack and she didn't want every guy on there clamoring for her over that. She was only slightly chubby at the time, well below the American average, but not pencil girl. You could compare her to a short Christina Hendricks. Very nice. So nice and so far out of my league, so I thought, I really thought she was going to be a one date wonder. She had comfort and self confidence seeping out of her pores!
Turns out, she liked me as well as I liked her. We started a relationship with phone time every night, she loves to text, more than I do for certain, but we were in a lot of contact, but it wasn't the possessive, jealous, keeping tabs on me contact, it was genuine wanting to talk to me friendly, because she liked talking to me contact. I found it great to have someone to talk to as well.
The relationship went awesome, but I could tell there was something she wasn't talking about. That was ok and I respected it.
As a rule I make it a point to bring up the low men in yellow coats early on when I meet someone. That's not the kind of thing you spring on someone AFTER luring them into a deep relationship, no, you have to be upfront about the situation with the Rose and the low men.
After the relationship started looking somewhat serious I told her all my deep dark secrets. I'm actually an open book so there are no real deep dark secrets, but I lay it all on the table. Anything I think might be a deal breaker for the relationship to go further I lay it out there. I opened the closet and showed off all the skeletons.
That troubled her. Not what I revealed, but I could tell hers began to bother her a bit. I made it clear I was ok to talk to and short of doing unspeakable things with children, such as having sacrificed a few to Satan or something along those lines I was ok with anything in her past, as long as it was past. Present stuff we may have to talk about. I also told her that she could keep her secrets if she wanted, I revealed mine she didn't have to reveal hers.
She took a while, a month or two, but she finally shared her secrets. Nothing she did wrong really, not pleasant of course, but you could tell they tortured her.
We had opposite results from baring our souls. To me showing off my skeletons was a relief, it means I don't have to hide them, I don't like hiding things. She on the other hand had more of a "they're out now I have to live them" problem. She slowly began developing - you guessed it - self confidence issues! Now that I know her secrets she's no longer confident and nothing I could say or do would change that. I'm still madly in love with her, and she with me, but she hates herself.
She talked to me about her issues all the time after that. At first I was glad to be there for her, but nothing really helped. She was on a path to more depression and less confidence and nothing was going to stop her until she hit rock bottom.
Finally, seven or eight months after she let loose all of her secrets, she finally turned on me. Not hard, more of a breach or respect, not even trust. I finally had to break it off with her. I've never stopped loving her. We still talk from time to time, never stopped.
She's now getting some real pro help for the issues, and she admits that she's the one with issues. She's never actually apologized for the breach of respect, and despite all of her confidence issues she has a lot of pride on certain things, I don't think she ever will, at least not directly. I think she's one of those who will admit it to herself, never speak as such, never mention the matter or commit the offense again. I can live with that.
The thing is, she's admitted that she would love to come back to me, and I have admitted I would take her back, but she's dealing with her issues. It's not quite a year since she first confessed all to me, and it's only been since May since we broke it off, but I'm not sure what to do.
From November to May I was her sounding board, she told me nearly everything to do with her struggles and I was there to hear her, to hold her when I could (we didn't get a lot of physical alone time together - kids and schedules), and offer every type of support I could, even when it started dragging me down a bit I stood strong. I was her rock and I was proud. I wanted to take on some of her burden to lighten her load.
The offense she committed against me was one of doubting my trust level. It wasn't really that she doubted my trust level, it was an excuse to not show courage and I knew it, but I had to treat it as she stated it, especially when she defended that choice so adamantly.
Even after breaking up, she shared her troubles with me for a while. I found I could not longer bare them. After she refused to acknowledge and show the courage she needed to so I could deal with my problems (which are all external as opposed to her internal ones) with her assistance, I found I could no longer assist with hers. I couldn't make myself though I tried. I had to tell her so.
We didn't talk much for a long time after that.
Recently, now that we're talking again, she opened up to me again, but she doesn't try to unload all of her problems on me anymore.
Now I'm at a loss as to what to do.
During the time between breaking up with her and now, I've started talking to a couple of other women I find promising. A part of me wants to wait for Virginia, but a logical part of me says I can't waste my life waiting on someone who may not be able to fix theirs. I was considering Virginia marriage material for a while, but I was holding back for her to take care of her issues. I can't ignore that.
I almost always follow my logical reasoning ahead of my emotional reasoning. The fact I consider the two so separate yet so influential in my decisions is part of the reason I call myself enigmatic. I consider logic and emotion in all things. It's rare that I give the emotional side full control. During times with trusted people I can relax around, especially while drinking, sex, and some sports activities are the only time I let "the animal" lose. Usually the professor calls the shots.
Neither of them knows what to do in this situation.
I proposed a solution to Virginia. Treat me like the man who she loves that has gone out of country and may not return, but may return for her some day. I asked her to keep me up to date, email me, and to remember me, and I will be waiting for her. I also told her I may date some other women. Considering how recently it was I told her this I'm almost consider it disrespectful to find another woman quickly, but I may have done so today if all goes well, of course it may be a dead end as well. I've never cheated on anyone and don't intend to start. Dating another woman, but with Virginia also possibly in waiting almost feels like I'm cheating on both of them. We can't have that.
I guess I'll just go forward and see what happens.
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