I think she likes me more than I like her. I'm coming to terms with that, but she's really cool on so many levels and is ok with me not committing just yet.
On another note - I had to un-install a game from my phone tonight. Turns out I thought about Virginia so much while playing it in the past, either while on the phone with her or just thinking, I've associated her with the game. Basically every time I took a crap and I pulled the game out she was on my mind. Now I need another time passer, too bad, Bejeweled was a perfect taking a dump game.
I've also decided something else where Virginia is concerned. She was out of my league on looks, yes, I've said it many times before. I'm out of her league on nearly everything else. I'm thinking about her less all the time, the only reason I'm thinking about her now is I just uninstalled the game.
2010/12/06
Went on a first date today.
It went well. We both think I'm awesome so we have some things in common.
Really, I'm thinking about it. I'm going to have to tell her I'm not ready to be exclusive or anything, she's really into me and I think she's cool and all, but I'm not ready to declare myself taken.
Really, I'm thinking about it. I'm going to have to tell her I'm not ready to be exclusive or anything, she's really into me and I think she's cool and all, but I'm not ready to declare myself taken.
2010/11/23
It's finally officially over with Virginia.
It was over as far as I was concerned when the last post was made. She couldn't make time for me, which meant she was through with me but didn't have the courage to say it. Considering courage is one of those things she's struggled with I figured I would let her build it up.
Some other guy asked her out. I doubt he'll suffer her 1/4 of the time I did if she goes off the blink with him like she did with me.
I'm thankful she finally told me it was over. She's done that before but she's always tried having a line back to me. I cut the line. I told her not to contact me again unless she's serious. This gal was marriage material to me for a while, before she went off the blink. I gave her plenty of time to pull it together, I've tried taking different experimental roles while she dealt with pulling herself together. My reward? A year strung along.
I'm not saying I'll never take her back. If I do I'm going to put some ultimatums in front of her. She strung me along for over a year, I'm going to string her along a little. First of all she has to be over whatever it was that caused her to fall apart. She has to be serious, she has to come back to me with the level of seriousness that if I were to ask her to marry me she would say yes, but I'm not going to do it until I've made sure she's got her act together. There will be no half way relationship. I care for her entirely too much to only be half way in her life.
In other words I'm not looking to talk to her at all anymore. I don't think she has it in her.
Some other guy asked her out. I doubt he'll suffer her 1/4 of the time I did if she goes off the blink with him like she did with me.
I'm thankful she finally told me it was over. She's done that before but she's always tried having a line back to me. I cut the line. I told her not to contact me again unless she's serious. This gal was marriage material to me for a while, before she went off the blink. I gave her plenty of time to pull it together, I've tried taking different experimental roles while she dealt with pulling herself together. My reward? A year strung along.
I'm not saying I'll never take her back. If I do I'm going to put some ultimatums in front of her. She strung me along for over a year, I'm going to string her along a little. First of all she has to be over whatever it was that caused her to fall apart. She has to be serious, she has to come back to me with the level of seriousness that if I were to ask her to marry me she would say yes, but I'm not going to do it until I've made sure she's got her act together. There will be no half way relationship. I care for her entirely too much to only be half way in her life.
In other words I'm not looking to talk to her at all anymore. I don't think she has it in her.
2010/11/15
So things were starting to look decent with Virginia.
She seemed to be dealing with her issues quite well, she contacted me about our relationship, lots of emailing, things were looking pretty good. She was open and honest with me, and acted like she cared.
I asked her out for dinner Friday morning. She got to me Friday evening, said she missed my invitation until later and went out with friends. So I sent a message on Saturday. I haven't even been turned down yet.
She's got time for wizards, werewolves and vampires but not for me.
Twilight Edward
as rendered
by The Oatmeal How Twilight works. ----->
I asked her out for dinner Friday morning. She got to me Friday evening, said she missed my invitation until later and went out with friends. So I sent a message on Saturday. I haven't even been turned down yet.
She's got time for wizards, werewolves and vampires but not for me.
Twilight Edward
as rendered
by The Oatmeal How Twilight works. ----->
She seems to care genuinely when we speak, but she admits that having courage to work me into her life and figure out how I fit is more than she can handle. I'm missing out on opportunities with other women while she decides if she can let the side of her that wants me around should give into the side that is utterly confused about it or not. She was the greatest gal I ever had before her break down, now I don't know if I should stand by her in her time of healing or not. I can't help her. I'm both the enemy and the savior, and move I make to help or advise her gets turned into something sinister and unseemly by the confused side of her. Just standing by seems to make a huge impression, but really, how long should I wait for crazy to subside?
Meh.
I think I'm going to ask one of the two, maybe three, gals that seems interested out anyways. If Virginia ask what's up I'm just going to reference the friends, wizards, werewolves and vampires and the amount of time since the last invitation wasn't turned down, or anything else.
2010/11/12
25th Aniversary edition of Super Mario Brothers to be Wii'ed.
Usually I'm a fan of updated remakes.
Usually I'm a fan of Mario - especially in his classic capacity.
Usually I love collections of multiple games released in one package.
I will probably pick this up due to the first three reasons.
The new Super Mario All-Stars: Limited Edition for Wii seems rather cool, and it is. Unfortunately, it appears to be just as cool as the Super Mario All-Stars released for the SNES in 1993 but not as cool as Super Mario All-Stars +World also released in 1993 for a special bundle SNES.
My reason for being picky: Why the hell not?
Back in 1993 it made sense for the retail version of All-Stars to not have World with it. World came with most SNES bundles, so most people already had it anyways, and if they didn't World was still available as an off-the-shelf edition. I understand the drive to make a profit. That was 17 years ago. World is not available in a stand-alone-off-the-shelf edition now. Sure you can still get it, but really, what are they losing by shoving this one extra game in? While they're at it, whats wrong with slapping in the old Game Boy Mario games? How about Yoshi's Island which is subtitled Super Mario World 2? Super Mario RPG? They could easily put all of these ROM's even if they were updated and took up 10x the space of the original on one of those DVD's they stick in the Wii. Even at 10x the original size all of these games would come in UNDER 1GB. They're not going to be moving those in a stand alone capacity, and it will increase demand for what they have. I'm going to stop short of saying put Mario 64 in there or anything after, because they did do a stand-alone remake of 64 for the DS and the Wii. Everything past that was either made for the Game Cube, which plays natively on the Wii, or for the Wii itself. They get a pass on those.
Congratulations Nintendo - you made something cool, but came up a step short of it giving me a boner.
Usually I'm a fan of Mario - especially in his classic capacity.
Usually I love collections of multiple games released in one package.
I will probably pick this up due to the first three reasons.
The new Super Mario All-Stars: Limited Edition for Wii seems rather cool, and it is. Unfortunately, it appears to be just as cool as the Super Mario All-Stars released for the SNES in 1993 but not as cool as Super Mario All-Stars +World also released in 1993 for a special bundle SNES.
My reason for being picky: Why the hell not?
Back in 1993 it made sense for the retail version of All-Stars to not have World with it. World came with most SNES bundles, so most people already had it anyways, and if they didn't World was still available as an off-the-shelf edition. I understand the drive to make a profit. That was 17 years ago. World is not available in a stand-alone-off-the-shelf edition now. Sure you can still get it, but really, what are they losing by shoving this one extra game in? While they're at it, whats wrong with slapping in the old Game Boy Mario games? How about Yoshi's Island which is subtitled Super Mario World 2? Super Mario RPG? They could easily put all of these ROM's even if they were updated and took up 10x the space of the original on one of those DVD's they stick in the Wii. Even at 10x the original size all of these games would come in UNDER 1GB. They're not going to be moving those in a stand alone capacity, and it will increase demand for what they have. I'm going to stop short of saying put Mario 64 in there or anything after, because they did do a stand-alone remake of 64 for the DS and the Wii. Everything past that was either made for the Game Cube, which plays natively on the Wii, or for the Wii itself. They get a pass on those.
Congratulations Nintendo - you made something cool, but came up a step short of it giving me a boner.
2010/11/04
On the liquid bandage stuff.
The jury is still out.
It certainly seemed to help at first. I coated my nose in it before bed meaning night-time snot drips didn't actually stay on the skin, but on the protective layer.
However the lack of air getting to the missing skin area - I don't know if that's good or not.
The fact the stuff isn't as stretchy as real skin? Maybe more harm than good?
The fact it looks horrible on the bottom of my nose? Meh, red nasty looking lack of skin or clumps of fake skin - either way.
I'm thinking on when sleeping, off when not might be the right approach, but the stuff doesn't exactly just come off easy.
It certainly seemed to help at first. I coated my nose in it before bed meaning night-time snot drips didn't actually stay on the skin, but on the protective layer.
However the lack of air getting to the missing skin area - I don't know if that's good or not.
The fact the stuff isn't as stretchy as real skin? Maybe more harm than good?
The fact it looks horrible on the bottom of my nose? Meh, red nasty looking lack of skin or clumps of fake skin - either way.
I'm thinking on when sleeping, off when not might be the right approach, but the stuff doesn't exactly just come off easy.
2010/11/02
Hey Moron! Don't vote!
I'm absolutely annoyed by the sheer number of TV, radio, and other adverts urging people to vote. It's shameful really.
Someone who keeps up with politics, keeps up with the parties, and maybe even knows something about the ass-clowns wanting to represent them as their own personal ass-clown should go right ahead and vote for the ass-clown of their choice.
On the other hand what does "Just Vote" mean? Really guilt tripping people into voting? I personally don't want a shirt drooling idiot going to the ballot box and filling 1/2 full of slobber with an equally distasteful ballot because some half wit VJ on MTV told them to!
Voting is for people who care and pay attention. We should not try to persuade those who don't care and don't pay attention to gum up the process in the name of voting for the political party the guy who farts into the microphone tells them they should.
So:
If you're planning to vote because someone is guilt tripping you into it DON'T
If you're feeling guilty because the media is guilt tripping you DON'T VOTE THIS TIME sit this one out, pay attention this go around, see if you like what the nice ass-clowns have to say, pay attention to what they want to do, not only that evaluate if what they want to do is financially, socially, and ethically feasible, not only that decide if it's long term sustainable. THEN and only then (after paying attention and getting educated) cast a vote on the next go around.
Remember, just because a government CAN do something it's not always the governments place to actually do it. For instance the government CAN make itself the sole dispenser of toilet paper, but you have to ask yourself, do you really want the guys who are charge of Amtrak being in charge of your butthole? Not only do they have difficulty moving a train from point A to point B in one piece, they can't seem to make routes between places people actually want to go when they want to go there. To me that not only says splintery TP, it tells me the TP would break through causing other nasty catastrophes.
Keep these things in mind when you're making your informed decision.
Someone who keeps up with politics, keeps up with the parties, and maybe even knows something about the ass-clowns wanting to represent them as their own personal ass-clown should go right ahead and vote for the ass-clown of their choice.
On the other hand what does "Just Vote" mean? Really guilt tripping people into voting? I personally don't want a shirt drooling idiot going to the ballot box and filling 1/2 full of slobber with an equally distasteful ballot because some half wit VJ on MTV told them to!
Voting is for people who care and pay attention. We should not try to persuade those who don't care and don't pay attention to gum up the process in the name of voting for the political party the guy who farts into the microphone tells them they should.
So:
If you're planning to vote because someone is guilt tripping you into it DON'T
If you're feeling guilty because the media is guilt tripping you DON'T VOTE THIS TIME sit this one out, pay attention this go around, see if you like what the nice ass-clowns have to say, pay attention to what they want to do, not only that evaluate if what they want to do is financially, socially, and ethically feasible, not only that decide if it's long term sustainable. THEN and only then (after paying attention and getting educated) cast a vote on the next go around.
Remember, just because a government CAN do something it's not always the governments place to actually do it. For instance the government CAN make itself the sole dispenser of toilet paper, but you have to ask yourself, do you really want the guys who are charge of Amtrak being in charge of your butthole? Not only do they have difficulty moving a train from point A to point B in one piece, they can't seem to make routes between places people actually want to go when they want to go there. To me that not only says splintery TP, it tells me the TP would break through causing other nasty catastrophes.
Keep these things in mind when you're making your informed decision.
2010/11/01
Caught the plague,
well, maybe not that bad.
My dripping snot caused a chapped nose. Instead of the usual Blistex I put Burts Bee's on it. The skin came lose and peeled. Now I have a peeled nose, seriously, like peeling a grape. It's nasty looking. I'm putting Neosporin on it, and of course I can no longer think of Neosporin without thinking of Don't Mess With the Zohan, I know, I'm weird.
The worst thing about getting sick, I started getting sick on Thursday but I didn't have time to actually be sick until Sunday evening. From 2000 Sunday until 2100 Monday I probably spent 18 hours asleep. Chug some NyQuil, sleep it off, seems to have worked.
Virigina reported being a bit sick also. Now I don't feel so bad about not taking her out this last weekend. I'm semi-tip-toeing with her still. We get along great, but she's still got issues to deal with and the last thing I want to do is rush her, but I'm not actually going to baby her either.
/update
Bought some "New-Skin" liquid bandage for my nose. Never tried this stuff before. It sort of burned, I'll see how it goes.
My dripping snot caused a chapped nose. Instead of the usual Blistex I put Burts Bee's on it. The skin came lose and peeled. Now I have a peeled nose, seriously, like peeling a grape. It's nasty looking. I'm putting Neosporin on it, and of course I can no longer think of Neosporin without thinking of Don't Mess With the Zohan, I know, I'm weird.
The worst thing about getting sick, I started getting sick on Thursday but I didn't have time to actually be sick until Sunday evening. From 2000 Sunday until 2100 Monday I probably spent 18 hours asleep. Chug some NyQuil, sleep it off, seems to have worked.
Virigina reported being a bit sick also. Now I don't feel so bad about not taking her out this last weekend. I'm semi-tip-toeing with her still. We get along great, but she's still got issues to deal with and the last thing I want to do is rush her, but I'm not actually going to baby her either.
/update
Bought some "New-Skin" liquid bandage for my nose. Never tried this stuff before. It sort of burned, I'll see how it goes.
2010/10/11
A spark through yonder conversation breaks!
It looks like Virginia and I may be getting back together.
She is still dealing with her confidence issues, but I think she understands what tore us apart and she wants me back. I'm not going to rush in with retard intent, but I'm going to see what happens. I've long missed her and I still think she could be a life long deal if she gets through her challenges. Who better to help show her the way?
She is still dealing with her confidence issues, but I think she understands what tore us apart and she wants me back. I'm not going to rush in with retard intent, but I'm going to see what happens. I've long missed her and I still think she could be a life long deal if she gets through her challenges. Who better to help show her the way?
2010/10/01
2010/09/13
Politics - I wonder if anyone noticed:
I wonder if anyone noticed the very noisy vocal issues that get brought up around election time are the ones the politicians really don't care about?
Abortion, gay marriage, right to carry, drugs, etc... The politicians don't actually care about these issues, outside of being the issues that get them votes. All the politicians care about is "steering the flow of money" once they get in office. Steer that river of dollars to friends and friends of friends so it will benefit themselves later down the road, or their families, or other benefits indirectly. Also pushing agendas which may or may not have something to do with the issues they don't care about.
Even social programs aren't really to help the people who need help. If they were they would be helping people instead of enabling people. Enabling makes you popular and secures votes.
Yep - politics - fooling the people to extract and steer the dollars.
Abortion, gay marriage, right to carry, drugs, etc... The politicians don't actually care about these issues, outside of being the issues that get them votes. All the politicians care about is "steering the flow of money" once they get in office. Steer that river of dollars to friends and friends of friends so it will benefit themselves later down the road, or their families, or other benefits indirectly. Also pushing agendas which may or may not have something to do with the issues they don't care about.
Even social programs aren't really to help the people who need help. If they were they would be helping people instead of enabling people. Enabling makes you popular and secures votes.
Yep - politics - fooling the people to extract and steer the dollars.
2010/09/06
I'm not a drug user, legal or not.
I don't even take over the counter stuff unless I'm absolutely miserable and don't know what to do with myself.
Does that make it weird that I totally want to sit down with a bag of weed and a stack of Carl Sagan Cosmos disks?
Does that make it weird that I totally want to sit down with a bag of weed and a stack of Carl Sagan Cosmos disks?
2010/09/03
I'm having a dillema where women are concerned.
Now before you just up and say Geeks have trouble with women, that's a given, I just have to say - you're right.
My problem is interesting. Over the course of years, from the time I was a teen on, I seem to have attracted women with self confidence issues. Originally I was attracted to them, I had a need to be needed. I realized this was a flaw in myself so I began seeking out women who did NOT have self confidence issues. I only managed to find women who put on a bold face and a public show, but in truth were overcompensating for a self confidence issue in public and just fell apart behind the scenes.
Let me tell you about my most recent girl, Virginia. I met Virginia like all geeks with no social lives meet other people - over the computer. I actually used OK-Stupid! to find her. The picture she had on-line was mostly a head shot and she looked angry. The shot only had the upper part of the bust and shoulders, and based on the appearance of the photo she looked like she was trying to pull a fat girl head shot. This differs from a fat-girl angle-shot in that she didn't try to use a funky angle to hide how fat her cheeks were - meaning it was probably all ass.
But I saw something in this picture most people would have missed. See, I'm different from most geeks - I have a huge empathic ability - think Star Trek and Deanna Troy. Only as a geek instead of using this to read people I largely ignore it and work on logic. I saw in this angry face someone who was laughing, so I sent her a message.
She replied that she had fallen head over heals with my profile and way just trying to work up some courage and words to message me. It wasn't long until we were talking on the phone. I absolutely fell head over heals for her on the phone. We could talk about anything, at length, she could certainly hold a conversation. We decided to meet at a Hibachi within a week of our first phone conversation.
She was stunningly beautiful. The cutting off her picture at the upper part of the bust? She did that because she has an incredible rack and she didn't want every guy on there clamoring for her over that. She was only slightly chubby at the time, well below the American average, but not pencil girl. You could compare her to a short Christina Hendricks. Very nice. So nice and so far out of my league, so I thought, I really thought she was going to be a one date wonder. She had comfort and self confidence seeping out of her pores!
Turns out, she liked me as well as I liked her. We started a relationship with phone time every night, she loves to text, more than I do for certain, but we were in a lot of contact, but it wasn't the possessive, jealous, keeping tabs on me contact, it was genuine wanting to talk to me friendly, because she liked talking to me contact. I found it great to have someone to talk to as well.
The relationship went awesome, but I could tell there was something she wasn't talking about. That was ok and I respected it.
As a rule I make it a point to bring up the low men in yellow coats early on when I meet someone. That's not the kind of thing you spring on someone AFTER luring them into a deep relationship, no, you have to be upfront about the situation with the Rose and the low men.
After the relationship started looking somewhat serious I told her all my deep dark secrets. I'm actually an open book so there are no real deep dark secrets, but I lay it all on the table. Anything I think might be a deal breaker for the relationship to go further I lay it out there. I opened the closet and showed off all the skeletons.
That troubled her. Not what I revealed, but I could tell hers began to bother her a bit. I made it clear I was ok to talk to and short of doing unspeakable things with children, such as having sacrificed a few to Satan or something along those lines I was ok with anything in her past, as long as it was past. Present stuff we may have to talk about. I also told her that she could keep her secrets if she wanted, I revealed mine she didn't have to reveal hers.
She took a while, a month or two, but she finally shared her secrets. Nothing she did wrong really, not pleasant of course, but you could tell they tortured her.
We had opposite results from baring our souls. To me showing off my skeletons was a relief, it means I don't have to hide them, I don't like hiding things. She on the other hand had more of a "they're out now I have to live them" problem. She slowly began developing - you guessed it - self confidence issues! Now that I know her secrets she's no longer confident and nothing I could say or do would change that. I'm still madly in love with her, and she with me, but she hates herself.
She talked to me about her issues all the time after that. At first I was glad to be there for her, but nothing really helped. She was on a path to more depression and less confidence and nothing was going to stop her until she hit rock bottom.
Finally, seven or eight months after she let loose all of her secrets, she finally turned on me. Not hard, more of a breach or respect, not even trust. I finally had to break it off with her. I've never stopped loving her. We still talk from time to time, never stopped.
She's now getting some real pro help for the issues, and she admits that she's the one with issues. She's never actually apologized for the breach of respect, and despite all of her confidence issues she has a lot of pride on certain things, I don't think she ever will, at least not directly. I think she's one of those who will admit it to herself, never speak as such, never mention the matter or commit the offense again. I can live with that.
The thing is, she's admitted that she would love to come back to me, and I have admitted I would take her back, but she's dealing with her issues. It's not quite a year since she first confessed all to me, and it's only been since May since we broke it off, but I'm not sure what to do.
From November to May I was her sounding board, she told me nearly everything to do with her struggles and I was there to hear her, to hold her when I could (we didn't get a lot of physical alone time together - kids and schedules), and offer every type of support I could, even when it started dragging me down a bit I stood strong. I was her rock and I was proud. I wanted to take on some of her burden to lighten her load.
The offense she committed against me was one of doubting my trust level. It wasn't really that she doubted my trust level, it was an excuse to not show courage and I knew it, but I had to treat it as she stated it, especially when she defended that choice so adamantly.
Even after breaking up, she shared her troubles with me for a while. I found I could not longer bare them. After she refused to acknowledge and show the courage she needed to so I could deal with my problems (which are all external as opposed to her internal ones) with her assistance, I found I could no longer assist with hers. I couldn't make myself though I tried. I had to tell her so.
We didn't talk much for a long time after that.
Recently, now that we're talking again, she opened up to me again, but she doesn't try to unload all of her problems on me anymore.
Now I'm at a loss as to what to do.
During the time between breaking up with her and now, I've started talking to a couple of other women I find promising. A part of me wants to wait for Virginia, but a logical part of me says I can't waste my life waiting on someone who may not be able to fix theirs. I was considering Virginia marriage material for a while, but I was holding back for her to take care of her issues. I can't ignore that.
I almost always follow my logical reasoning ahead of my emotional reasoning. The fact I consider the two so separate yet so influential in my decisions is part of the reason I call myself enigmatic. I consider logic and emotion in all things. It's rare that I give the emotional side full control. During times with trusted people I can relax around, especially while drinking, sex, and some sports activities are the only time I let "the animal" lose. Usually the professor calls the shots.
Neither of them knows what to do in this situation.
I proposed a solution to Virginia. Treat me like the man who she loves that has gone out of country and may not return, but may return for her some day. I asked her to keep me up to date, email me, and to remember me, and I will be waiting for her. I also told her I may date some other women. Considering how recently it was I told her this I'm almost consider it disrespectful to find another woman quickly, but I may have done so today if all goes well, of course it may be a dead end as well. I've never cheated on anyone and don't intend to start. Dating another woman, but with Virginia also possibly in waiting almost feels like I'm cheating on both of them. We can't have that.
I guess I'll just go forward and see what happens.
My problem is interesting. Over the course of years, from the time I was a teen on, I seem to have attracted women with self confidence issues. Originally I was attracted to them, I had a need to be needed. I realized this was a flaw in myself so I began seeking out women who did NOT have self confidence issues. I only managed to find women who put on a bold face and a public show, but in truth were overcompensating for a self confidence issue in public and just fell apart behind the scenes.
Let me tell you about my most recent girl, Virginia. I met Virginia like all geeks with no social lives meet other people - over the computer. I actually used OK-Stupid! to find her. The picture she had on-line was mostly a head shot and she looked angry. The shot only had the upper part of the bust and shoulders, and based on the appearance of the photo she looked like she was trying to pull a fat girl head shot. This differs from a fat-girl angle-shot in that she didn't try to use a funky angle to hide how fat her cheeks were - meaning it was probably all ass.
But I saw something in this picture most people would have missed. See, I'm different from most geeks - I have a huge empathic ability - think Star Trek and Deanna Troy. Only as a geek instead of using this to read people I largely ignore it and work on logic. I saw in this angry face someone who was laughing, so I sent her a message.
She replied that she had fallen head over heals with my profile and way just trying to work up some courage and words to message me. It wasn't long until we were talking on the phone. I absolutely fell head over heals for her on the phone. We could talk about anything, at length, she could certainly hold a conversation. We decided to meet at a Hibachi within a week of our first phone conversation.
She was stunningly beautiful. The cutting off her picture at the upper part of the bust? She did that because she has an incredible rack and she didn't want every guy on there clamoring for her over that. She was only slightly chubby at the time, well below the American average, but not pencil girl. You could compare her to a short Christina Hendricks. Very nice. So nice and so far out of my league, so I thought, I really thought she was going to be a one date wonder. She had comfort and self confidence seeping out of her pores!
Turns out, she liked me as well as I liked her. We started a relationship with phone time every night, she loves to text, more than I do for certain, but we were in a lot of contact, but it wasn't the possessive, jealous, keeping tabs on me contact, it was genuine wanting to talk to me friendly, because she liked talking to me contact. I found it great to have someone to talk to as well.
The relationship went awesome, but I could tell there was something she wasn't talking about. That was ok and I respected it.
As a rule I make it a point to bring up the low men in yellow coats early on when I meet someone. That's not the kind of thing you spring on someone AFTER luring them into a deep relationship, no, you have to be upfront about the situation with the Rose and the low men.
After the relationship started looking somewhat serious I told her all my deep dark secrets. I'm actually an open book so there are no real deep dark secrets, but I lay it all on the table. Anything I think might be a deal breaker for the relationship to go further I lay it out there. I opened the closet and showed off all the skeletons.
That troubled her. Not what I revealed, but I could tell hers began to bother her a bit. I made it clear I was ok to talk to and short of doing unspeakable things with children, such as having sacrificed a few to Satan or something along those lines I was ok with anything in her past, as long as it was past. Present stuff we may have to talk about. I also told her that she could keep her secrets if she wanted, I revealed mine she didn't have to reveal hers.
She took a while, a month or two, but she finally shared her secrets. Nothing she did wrong really, not pleasant of course, but you could tell they tortured her.
We had opposite results from baring our souls. To me showing off my skeletons was a relief, it means I don't have to hide them, I don't like hiding things. She on the other hand had more of a "they're out now I have to live them" problem. She slowly began developing - you guessed it - self confidence issues! Now that I know her secrets she's no longer confident and nothing I could say or do would change that. I'm still madly in love with her, and she with me, but she hates herself.
She talked to me about her issues all the time after that. At first I was glad to be there for her, but nothing really helped. She was on a path to more depression and less confidence and nothing was going to stop her until she hit rock bottom.
Finally, seven or eight months after she let loose all of her secrets, she finally turned on me. Not hard, more of a breach or respect, not even trust. I finally had to break it off with her. I've never stopped loving her. We still talk from time to time, never stopped.
She's now getting some real pro help for the issues, and she admits that she's the one with issues. She's never actually apologized for the breach of respect, and despite all of her confidence issues she has a lot of pride on certain things, I don't think she ever will, at least not directly. I think she's one of those who will admit it to herself, never speak as such, never mention the matter or commit the offense again. I can live with that.
The thing is, she's admitted that she would love to come back to me, and I have admitted I would take her back, but she's dealing with her issues. It's not quite a year since she first confessed all to me, and it's only been since May since we broke it off, but I'm not sure what to do.
From November to May I was her sounding board, she told me nearly everything to do with her struggles and I was there to hear her, to hold her when I could (we didn't get a lot of physical alone time together - kids and schedules), and offer every type of support I could, even when it started dragging me down a bit I stood strong. I was her rock and I was proud. I wanted to take on some of her burden to lighten her load.
The offense she committed against me was one of doubting my trust level. It wasn't really that she doubted my trust level, it was an excuse to not show courage and I knew it, but I had to treat it as she stated it, especially when she defended that choice so adamantly.
Even after breaking up, she shared her troubles with me for a while. I found I could not longer bare them. After she refused to acknowledge and show the courage she needed to so I could deal with my problems (which are all external as opposed to her internal ones) with her assistance, I found I could no longer assist with hers. I couldn't make myself though I tried. I had to tell her so.
We didn't talk much for a long time after that.
Recently, now that we're talking again, she opened up to me again, but she doesn't try to unload all of her problems on me anymore.
Now I'm at a loss as to what to do.
During the time between breaking up with her and now, I've started talking to a couple of other women I find promising. A part of me wants to wait for Virginia, but a logical part of me says I can't waste my life waiting on someone who may not be able to fix theirs. I was considering Virginia marriage material for a while, but I was holding back for her to take care of her issues. I can't ignore that.
I almost always follow my logical reasoning ahead of my emotional reasoning. The fact I consider the two so separate yet so influential in my decisions is part of the reason I call myself enigmatic. I consider logic and emotion in all things. It's rare that I give the emotional side full control. During times with trusted people I can relax around, especially while drinking, sex, and some sports activities are the only time I let "the animal" lose. Usually the professor calls the shots.
Neither of them knows what to do in this situation.
I proposed a solution to Virginia. Treat me like the man who she loves that has gone out of country and may not return, but may return for her some day. I asked her to keep me up to date, email me, and to remember me, and I will be waiting for her. I also told her I may date some other women. Considering how recently it was I told her this I'm almost consider it disrespectful to find another woman quickly, but I may have done so today if all goes well, of course it may be a dead end as well. I've never cheated on anyone and don't intend to start. Dating another woman, but with Virginia also possibly in waiting almost feels like I'm cheating on both of them. We can't have that.
I guess I'll just go forward and see what happens.
2010/09/01
I work with a man that has an incomprehnsible fear of electrons,
and the color pink. Unfortunately he is in a policy making position. Seriously, I understand where he's coming from on all of it, there is some point to some of his madness, but you have absolutely no idea how difficult it is to have to eliminate all instances of the color pink in a real world environment. Especially in an environment where 90% of what comes into it contains at least some pink.
We've theorized his not wanting to see pink in a box has something to do with his wife.
We've theorized his not wanting to see pink in a box has something to do with his wife.
2010/08/29
Once I decide on something in my mind, it tends to stay decided on.
Now, that's not 100%, once I find out I'm wrong, which is rare, I will completely change my mind to encompass what's right, but things that aren't wrong, but aren't exactly the accurate description anymore tend to stay.
Ron Howard is Opie. I can't see his name in any movie credits without immediately thinking "Opie!"
Keanu Reeves will always be "Ted" Theodore Logan in my mind. I've even re-imagined many of his movies with a character replacement.
Oddly, this actually helps me in the computer world. In the old days devices could NOT share IRQ's safely. This has never been forgotten. When I'm configuring a computer I tend to move things to different PCI slots, tweak the CMOS, and do everything I can to have a few devices per IRQ as I can get away with. Computers run smoother that way, it's measurably better.
I still dress more or less like I did in the 90's.
Yep, I'm hopeless.
Ron Howard is Opie. I can't see his name in any movie credits without immediately thinking "Opie!"
Keanu Reeves will always be "Ted" Theodore Logan in my mind. I've even re-imagined many of his movies with a character replacement.
Oddly, this actually helps me in the computer world. In the old days devices could NOT share IRQ's safely. This has never been forgotten. When I'm configuring a computer I tend to move things to different PCI slots, tweak the CMOS, and do everything I can to have a few devices per IRQ as I can get away with. Computers run smoother that way, it's measurably better.
I still dress more or less like I did in the 90's.
Yep, I'm hopeless.
2010/08/27
I suppose I should elaborate on the low men in yellow coats.
We're both after the rose. With me the rose will flourish, with them the rose wilts. They have the rose right now, and the wilting has begun.
My struggle with the low men has been ongoing for many years now. My Ka-tet has fought with all we have to keep the rose safe, but the Crimson King intervened, many times, this time with a pack of roont helpers, and the low men are in possession. I am truthful and dedicated to the rose, the low men are obsessed with it. You ask what the difference? So do I. I think the fact that my desire to protect and nurture the rose vs. the low mens desire to exploit and posess the rose are the defining differences.
So, the low men have what they want, my Ka-tet does not. We know that the low men are stupid, and they make mistakes. Usually all we have to do is wait for a mistake and seize the opportunity, however I think the low men have figured this out as well and are doing their best not to have any visible activity. Walter, one of the low men and the one providing the funding, is not happy with the rest at the moment, however he has not given his leave to them as yet. My ka-tet and I watch as we await the inevitable. When scoundrels have a common cause they can unite and work together, but scoundrels at rest have to find new victims and usually it's one another. We can't wait and watch forever however, the rose is wilting and it can still be saved, but it cannot be saved with indefinite waiting, some of the effects of the wilting cannot be undone even as of now, the longer the low men have the rose, the worse the wilting will be.
I have been greatly humbled by these struggles. I am no generally one to rely on others. The fact I have a ka-tet helping me is testimony to that.
I'm going to do my best not to speak at length about my struggle with the low men in yellow coats and the Crimson King, however the background does exist and the fact the background exist is something I need to reveal early on.
Thankee Kindly for reading as you have.
My struggle with the low men has been ongoing for many years now. My Ka-tet has fought with all we have to keep the rose safe, but the Crimson King intervened, many times, this time with a pack of roont helpers, and the low men are in possession. I am truthful and dedicated to the rose, the low men are obsessed with it. You ask what the difference? So do I. I think the fact that my desire to protect and nurture the rose vs. the low mens desire to exploit and posess the rose are the defining differences.
So, the low men have what they want, my Ka-tet does not. We know that the low men are stupid, and they make mistakes. Usually all we have to do is wait for a mistake and seize the opportunity, however I think the low men have figured this out as well and are doing their best not to have any visible activity. Walter, one of the low men and the one providing the funding, is not happy with the rest at the moment, however he has not given his leave to them as yet. My ka-tet and I watch as we await the inevitable. When scoundrels have a common cause they can unite and work together, but scoundrels at rest have to find new victims and usually it's one another. We can't wait and watch forever however, the rose is wilting and it can still be saved, but it cannot be saved with indefinite waiting, some of the effects of the wilting cannot be undone even as of now, the longer the low men have the rose, the worse the wilting will be.
I have been greatly humbled by these struggles. I am no generally one to rely on others. The fact I have a ka-tet helping me is testimony to that.
I'm going to do my best not to speak at length about my struggle with the low men in yellow coats and the Crimson King, however the background does exist and the fact the background exist is something I need to reveal early on.
Thankee Kindly for reading as you have.
2010/08/25
So I've started an anonymous blog.
I've started it anonymously because there are people out to get me. Don't think just because I'm paranoid nobodies out to get me!
I've titled this "brain dumps of an enigmatic geek" because that's exactly what they are. I have lots of thoughts, feelings and anecdotes I want to share, but I can't because the lowmen in yellow coats are out to get me, and I have such a variety of people I get along with. I'm incredibly easy to get along with, the side effect is of that and my enigmatic nature is most of my friends hate one another. For instance I was brought up in a strong Christian family. Truth is most of my values really do reflect that, and I'm still a believer but I can see what the Atheist mean when they call the Christians nothing but brainwashed masses. I truly believe most Atheist fit the definition of a brainwashed religious group at well, it's just a religion of no religion. As a result anything out of my mouth about religion offends either a family member or a friend. Same is true with politics, software companies, hardware companies, you name it. The punishment of not being a snob yet still being opinionated and firm is not necessarily walking on egg shells, it's the knowing everything I say is going to offend someone I care about. Usually I go ahead and offend, people who know me well enough know it's not a personal attack, but I still can't go around doing it all the time. Thus this blog is born.
For instance, something I can't talk about with everyone. My Lava Lamps. I love my Lava Lamps. What I think is utterly hilarious is every time I look at the box the big lamp came in (it's a big tube, that's gotta be handy for something eventually) I read the tag line "The original shape of cool". Really? It's shaped like a giant butt plug! Either I need to re-evaluate what cool is and decide if I want to be cool, or the fact it's the original shape of cool, inferring a new shape of cool must have come along cool has moved on from being shaped like a gigantic butt plug, but like the Model-T being the original mass produced car we have nostalgia for the giant butt plug shape.
There's no way I could have said that to most people I know and come away unscathed.
I'm also a very busy person. Being busy calls. I've got to go now, but expect more from me later.
I've titled this "brain dumps of an enigmatic geek" because that's exactly what they are. I have lots of thoughts, feelings and anecdotes I want to share, but I can't because the lowmen in yellow coats are out to get me, and I have such a variety of people I get along with. I'm incredibly easy to get along with, the side effect is of that and my enigmatic nature is most of my friends hate one another. For instance I was brought up in a strong Christian family. Truth is most of my values really do reflect that, and I'm still a believer but I can see what the Atheist mean when they call the Christians nothing but brainwashed masses. I truly believe most Atheist fit the definition of a brainwashed religious group at well, it's just a religion of no religion. As a result anything out of my mouth about religion offends either a family member or a friend. Same is true with politics, software companies, hardware companies, you name it. The punishment of not being a snob yet still being opinionated and firm is not necessarily walking on egg shells, it's the knowing everything I say is going to offend someone I care about. Usually I go ahead and offend, people who know me well enough know it's not a personal attack, but I still can't go around doing it all the time. Thus this blog is born.
For instance, something I can't talk about with everyone. My Lava Lamps. I love my Lava Lamps. What I think is utterly hilarious is every time I look at the box the big lamp came in (it's a big tube, that's gotta be handy for something eventually) I read the tag line "The original shape of cool". Really? It's shaped like a giant butt plug! Either I need to re-evaluate what cool is and decide if I want to be cool, or the fact it's the original shape of cool, inferring a new shape of cool must have come along cool has moved on from being shaped like a gigantic butt plug, but like the Model-T being the original mass produced car we have nostalgia for the giant butt plug shape.
There's no way I could have said that to most people I know and come away unscathed.
I'm also a very busy person. Being busy calls. I've got to go now, but expect more from me later.
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